What better way to spend a beautiful summer Saturday than cramming yourself into a dark theater all day to watch five really obscure movies?
I don’t know!
But, thanks to the wonderful folks at Exhumed Films and Alamo Drafthouse Yonkers, I was able to spend August 22, 2015 in a state of B-movie bliss.
Now, Exhumed Films is an apt name for a company that can dig up prints of such gems as I’m going to discuss (and they’re all definitely guilty pleasures). These five movies are, in fact, so rare that I couldn’t even find trailers for them online, at least not in English (you’ll honestly have an easier time finding the full movies on YouTube, but you didn’t hear that from me). Even the IMDb entries are largely incomplete.
Enough jibber jabber. Let’s talk some schlock.
Movie #1: ‘Radioactive Dreams’ (1985)
‘Hard-boiled detective Film Noir’ meets ‘post-apocalyptic [and sometimes cannibalistic] Science Fiction’ meets ‘fish-out-of-water Comedy’ in this ambitious but not entirely successful effort from, as RedLetterMedia‘s Jay Bauman would say, “schlock auteur” Albert Pyun.
John Stockwell and Michael Dudikoff (who I both really like in this, even if it’s in kind of a hammy way) play Phillip and Marlowe, two lads left in a bunker at the outbreak of World War III (and, yes, it’s a nuclear war), left to educate themselves, apparently in the ways of the 1940s. Upon finding a way to finally break out into the outside world, they discover that what was once a lush green landscape is now a desolate wasteland, filled with mutants, gangs, and one particularly suspicious woman, who accidentally leaves them with the launch keys to the last nuclear missile, thus setting the plot in motion (whoever controls the nuke, controls the “world”).
I don’t know for sure, but I think ‘Radioactive Dreams’ was both the longest and biggest-budgeted movie of the day, but it wasn’t the most overall entertaining. It starts with momentum and finishes with momentum, but the middle section drags quite a bit.
Even so, I’d say it’s worth checking out at least once. As I said, it doesn’t hit on everything, but I appreciate its ambition (especially relative to its modest budget), and it’s got some nice laughs, particularly if you’re familiar with those “private dick” movies of old.
Rating: ★★★☆☆
Movie #2: ‘Gang Wars’ aka ‘Devil’s Express’ (1976)
My compatriots for the day didn’t really like this one, but I thought it was one of the most entertaining bad movies I’ve ever seen.
The plot is crazy, but I’ll try to sum it up the best I can.
A long time ago. somewhere in China, a group of monks defeated a demon, put it in a box (or something), and put it at the bottom of a cave; the monks then commit ritual suicide in order to protect the whereabouts of this evil demon. Hard cut to present-day (that is, 1970s) New York. An afro-sporting kung-fu instructor (Warhawk Tanzania) flies out to China, along with his friend, to finish his own training to be certified as a Master. One day, while our hero is meditating, his friend wanders off and finds the secret location, taking the box for himself and unwittingly unleashing the evil force within. The demon then somehow possesses a random Chinese gentleman and boards a boat bound for New York. After arriving in Manhattan, the demon finds a nice refuge in the Subway, and that’s when things start to get really bloody.
One aspect that elevates ‘Gang Wars’ is the location that is mid-70s NYC, and I don’t mean in a guerrilla filmmaking sort of way, because reportedly the production got all the permits they needed, despite the low budget (instant production value!).
Other than that, the kung fu fighting scenes are hilariously awkward, we’ve got a cameo from Brother Theodore as a priest (improvising ridiculousness, as usual), and just a whole host of funny-bad moments, in addition to some nice, crafty practical effects.
Loads of fun, if you’ve got a group.
Rating: ★★★½
Movie #3: Redneck Miller (1976)
There are no “good guys” in ‘Redneck Miller’. Only antagonists and a nominal protagonist.
I say this because our presumable hero, radio disc jockey Redneck Miller, is a real scumbag himself. No need to explain why, but if you see the film, it’ll be as plain as day to you (let’s just say the hapless henchmen aren’t the only boobs on the screen).
The movie starts out with the thieving of a drug pick-up by a guy on a very unique motorcycle, who then, after making his getaway, returns the motorcycle to its rightful owner, none other than Redneck Miller. Needless to say, eventually the people whose drugs were stolen find the motorcycle, start harassing Miller, and Miller must find the real thief and clear his name before he or anyone else is dead meat.
I’ve seen some examples of exploitation cinema in my time, but this might be the most exploitative I’ve come across yet. It was entertaining enough for me, but not everyone shared that opinion.
Take it or leave it.
Rating: ★★½
Movie #4: ‘Nightmare at Shadow Woods’ aka ‘Blood Rage’ (1987)
Now we’re talking. This was the most entertaining movie of the day for me.
‘Nightmare at Shadow Woods’ is the story of twin brothers Terry and Todd, one of whom kills a pair of teenage lovers at a drive-in movie and successfully blames it on the other, forcing the innocent one to be committed to an institution. Fast forward about ten years (one of the boys is in college) to Thanksgiving and one of the boys has broken out of the asylum, which spurs the other one to go on a killing spree to presumably blame the other brother again.
I have to say, the unquestionable centerpiece of this film is Mark Soper, who plays the adult Terry/Todd. He gives the roles a real dichotomy, and I had no trouble believing it was two different characters. And he really sinks his teeth into playing the bad twin, I mean he is killing people and wisecracking like Will Smith in a alien movie, and I loved it, because I like to have fun watching low-budget slasher movies.
It’s a rare find, but if you can locate it, ‘Nightmare at Shadow Woods’ makes for great “scary movie night” fare (or if you’re looking for one of the only movies set at Thanksgiving).
Rating: ★★★★☆
Movie #5: ‘Ninja Busters’ (1984)
It may not have been my favorite of the day, but ‘Ninja Busters’ was by far the biggest treat, because this movie is so rare that it didn’t even get a proper release when it was supposed to, thirty years ago.
It’s a buddy comedy about two down-on-their-luck guys who join a karate school with the intention of picking up girls, and eventually they become black belts and get mixed up with some criminals and ninjas.
In real-life, most of the movie’s prominent characters were respected martial artists, and one of two leads, Sid Campbell, actually wrote the script. He’s very good in the film as well; for someone without much on-screen experience, I found him to be a very natural comedic actor, and he gives the movie a lot of heart.
You can read the director’s account of how it was made, unreleased, and then found again on his blog. It’s quite a story, and I look forward to being able pick up ‘Ninja Busters’ on Blu-Ray.
Rating: ★★★★☆
Well, there you have it. A whole day’s worth of low budget charm. Kudos again to Exhumed Films and Alamo Drafthouse Yonkers for putting it together.
I look forward to “Guilty Pleasures Marathon, Part III” in 2016 (although Part II might be tough to beat, honestly).