Classic Movie Quinella – ‘HEY, ARNOLD!’: A Schwarzenegger Marathon – See You At The Party

Since the doors first opened in August of 2013, Alamo Drafthouse Yonkers has hosted four fantastic actor-centric marathons: Caged, Stallone Zone, Van Dammage, and Burt Day (aka Cristina Cacioppo‘s Westchester curtain call).

Enter 2017.  New Year.  New programmer.  New marathon.

Lovingly curated by Justin LaLiberty, “Hey, Arnold!” was an epic half-day celebration consisting of five mystery Schwarzenegger films, all on 35mm prints, spanning ten years of the prime of his career (and sparking such debates as “Which Arnold is better: beard or no beard?”  …Actually, that’s not a debate at all.  Bearded Arnold is clearly superior).

And if that weren’t enough, there was, in fact, a giant cake (which was delicious, by the way) to celebrate his upcoming 70th birthday, among other surprises.

At this point, the man himself needs little introduction, so let’s jump in.

 

Movie #1: ‘True Lies’ (1994)

It sounds weird to say because he’s been so influential (for better or worse), but, since his directorial debut in 1981 (which he’d rather you forget), James Cameron has put only eight feature films under his belt, which makes the fact that Arnold has starred in three of them even more significant.  Frankly, I’d say True Lies is the last Cameron movie worth watching, but that’s a different discussion.

This was the longest film of the day (and second longest of Arnold’s career, behind T2), which was good, because when you’re stuck to your seat for ten hours, you’d rather get the biggest chunk out of the way first.

Anyway, True Lies is a movie I’ve seen the third act of perhaps dozens of times, as it was a cable staple of the 2000s, so it was definitely worth seeing in it’s entirety, as there was much I either didn’t remember or straight up hadn’t seen (like the fact that a good chunk of the move is in Washington D.C.).

A remake of the 1991 French hit La totale ! (which I totally did not learn just now), True Lies is a top notch 90s action thriller that’s also unafraid of laying the comedy on thick.  I particularly enjoy the long, slow push-ins on Arnold’s steely eyes when he knows something the person he’s talking to does not.  It’s also a surprisingly grounded film given its over the top nature.  Honestly, the only element that took me out of the movie was the fact that Charlton Heston’s character had a patch over his obviously scarred eye, as if he walked in from the set of a different movie.

Really though, the magic of True Lies, other than the action set-pieces and ‘splosions, is that just about everyone in the cast is used appropriately, from Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis, to Tia Carrere and Art Malik, to Tom Arnold (fantastic in this) and the now late (sadly) Bill Paxton, everyone’s playing a part they can easily dive into.

It may not be the biggest and baddest Arnold movie in terms of a testosterone-fueled thrill ride, but it’s a very good action/comedy that a lot of people can appreciate (and that doesn’t even include the one-liners [Spoiler]).

Rating: ★★★★☆

 

Movie #2: ‘The Running Man’ (1987)

Ah, the far, distant, post-apocalyptic future of 2017!

You won’t hear me say The Running Man is bad, because it’s not.  It’s got a solid backbone of a Steven E. de Souza script (just look up his resume; it’s ridiculous), and a cast that’s chock-full of great character actors and action men.  I just can’t help but wonder if the movie could have been something more with a more visionary director at the helm.  Not that I blame Paul Michael Glaser.  Reportedly, producer Rob Cohen went through four other directors (including Andrew Davis, who got production off the ground but quickly went over budget and behind schedule; and who later would direct Arnold in Collateral Damage) before hiring Glaser to basically just get the movie done.

The final product of The Running Man is still eminently entertaining and audience-pleasing, even if not every visual concept works perfectly (it also receives bonus points for giving us some bearded Arnold, if only briefly).  Arnold is great, the rogues gallery is great, and the casting of Richard Dawson as an evil version of himself is a move that feels years ahead of its time (you could argue the movie stands on his shoulders more than anyone else; not to mention it leads to one of my favorite incidental lines from Aqua Teen Hunger Force).

The Running Man may not be an all-time great piece of science fiction (like another movie we’ll get to), but it’s no less influential (Hunger Games, anyone?), and, above all, it’s fun, especially with an audience.

Rating: ★★★★☆

Just before The Running Man started we all received one of these glasses, which was a generous and welcome surprise:

 

Movie #3: ‘Kindergarten Cop’ (1990)

This movie’s something of a miracle.

I mean, I don’t know about you, but if you pitched me Kindergarten Cop, a comedy/action film starring Arnold as an undercover police officer posing as a substitute kindergarten teacher (who has no experience) in order to track down the estranged family of a fugitive criminal, I’d tell you straight up that this concept has failure written all over it.

And yet, somehow, it works.

How much credit should go to whom, I don’t know, but given Ivan Reitman’s track record with Ghost Busters, wrangling that film together from three or four disparate creative visions, I’m going to bet he gets the lion’s share.

Anyway, Kindergarten Cop isn’t perfect.  It’s a bit uneven and a bit clunky at times (understandable given the elements it’s trying to hammer together), but, what little action there is is well executed, the comedy mostly works, and, again, it gets bonus points for some bearded Arnold action.

Frankly, the film’s biggest strength is that it never goes completely over the top (except maybe when Pamela Reed suddenly puts on an Austrian accent to maintain cover, but that’s not unforgivable).  There’s enough subtlety and realism in the plot, the characters, and, especially, the children, to hold everything together when a different movie would just come unglued.

It wasn’t my favorite of the day, but I’ll be less inclined to flip the channel on it in the future.

Rating: ★★★½

 

Movie #4: ‘Eraser’ (1996)

The world of film is not without its binary planets that eventually spin off onto different trajectories.  For example, the Coen Brothers collaborated with Sam Raimi earlier in their careers, but it was they, not Raimi, who went on to near-constant critical acclaim in the proceeding decades.

Similarly, Frank Darabont began his career writing with Chuck Russell, but it was he, not Russell, who went onto direct such films as The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, whereas Chuck went on to direct The Mask.  Not that we have anything against Chuck Russell, because he also went on to direct a little movie called Eraser.

Every Alamo Drafthouse actor-centric marathon features at least one movie that throws people for a loop, and I’m going to say Eraser is the left field pick in this case, if for no other reason than one of my friends and I had completely discounted it as a possibility (mostly on account of the CGI reptiles).

However, I have to say, Eraser earned its keep.

It may not have been the best movie of the day, nor the best movie of Arnold’s career, but Eraser has a lot going for it.  Good villains, solid supporting characters, and enough mid-Nineties action to keep you going for a couple of hours.  Whatever elements that haven’t aged well are smoothed over by a rather impressive top-to-bottom cast (including James Caan, James Coburn, and James Cromwell, just to name a few) all putting in solid shifts.

It’ll hurt your brain if you think about it too hard, but, like most of Arnold’s movies, if you’re down for a fun ride, Eraser delivers.

Rating: ★★★½

 

Movie #5: ‘Total Recall’ (1990)

This film was the pièce de résistance, both for the day itself and for me personally, as I’d never seen it before.

Paul Verhoeven as a filmmaker (and perhaps in his life in general) is nothing if not provocative (I mean, if you haven’t seen Elle…it’s provocative), though, by his own standards, Total Recall may be his least provocative movie (you know, outside of all the horrific gore).

What Total Recall is, however, is an extremely successful sci-fi/action film; an all-time great, in my frank opinion.  I won’t claim to be an expert, but it’s generally accepted that Philip K. Dick is a difficult writer to translate from page to screen (e.g. Blade Runner‘s 10,000 different versions), but I’m going to take an educated guess that Total Recall is the best filmed adaptation of his work (or at the very least in the running for such an honor).

In all seriousness though, this is a big, bad, beautiful movie, full of amazing visuals (shot in Mexico, which worked well for Arnold before), bloody violence, and a wry sense of humor, while also featuring a good hard sci-fi story with plenty of twists and turns.  Total Recall is also a touch philosophical, asking the question of what makes us who we are, which I appreciate.

Naturally, of course, there’s more than a few familiar faces from Verhoeven’s other work (most notably Ronny Cox, Sharon Stone, and Michael Ironside).

On the one hand, I don’t know why it took me so long to see this one, but, on the other, I’m glad I got to see it for the first time in the same way everybody else did nearly three decades ago.

It’s a real treasure.

Rating: ★★★★½

 

So, that’s it; that’s all.  A great day all around.

Thanks again to Alamo Drafthouse Yonkers for hosting and Justin LaLiberty for curating, and to all the servers, runners, cooks, and bartenders who took care of all of us in the audience.  My “Mind Eraser” cocktail (whatever was in it) was quite enjoyable.

Unlike in the past, we know what next year’s marathon will be, and I couldn’t be more excited: Russellmania, here we come!

Classic Four-Play: ‘Van Dammage’ – There Is No Substitute

As a lover of movies in the Greater New York Metro Area, the only thing I love more than actually going to the Alamo Drafthouse [Yonkers] is going to movie marathons at the Alamo Drafthouse; and why shouldn’t I?  I’ve tasted three flavours of blood and ice cream.  I’ve seen a man Caged.  I’ve been to the Stallone Zone and lived to tell about it.

So, when they announced that the next such action-packed marathon was going to feature the incomparable JCVD, I naturally bought ten tickets and invited nine other friends to attend.  I mean, how else are you supposed to heat up January?  It’s not like there’s anything good playing.

Now, I have to admit, before attending the marathon last Saturday (once again curated by Alamo’s Cristina Cacioppo and Greg MacLennan, whose love of Van Damme is so real I could actually feel it), I’d never actually seen a Jean-Claude Van Damme film, at least not in its entirety.  I’m sure I’ve caught bits and pieces of things on cable over the years, but I’d never actually sat down and watched one from beginning to end, and I’d definitely never seen one in a theater before, so I was very excited; and, for the most part, my excitement was justified.

Let’s talk about these movies!

 

Movie #1: Sudden Death (1995)
Sudden Death

Directed by Peter Hyams
Written by Karen Elise Baldwin (Story) and Gene Quintano (Screenplay)
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Powers Boothe, Raymond J. Barry, Whittni Wright, Ross Malinger, Dorian Harewood, Kate McNeil, Michael Gaston, Audra Lindley, Brian Delate, Brian Hutchison, Diane Robin, Rohn Thomas
Soundtrack: John Debney

Look, there’s no question Peter Hyams has directed some bad movies in his career, but on the whole I think he’s criminally underrated.  Capricorn One is a pretty good late-70s conspiracy thriller; Outland is a totally bad-@$$ space western; 2010 is a more-than-worthy (and Kubrick-approved) sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey; and maybe The Presidio isn’t a great film, but boy does it have its moments.  But, we’re not really here to wax poetic on Peter Hyams; we’re here to talk about his amazing action film, Sudden Death.

This movie is awesome.  It’s completely over-the-top and, at times, a little cornball, but if you’re looking for well-directed and exciting action set pieces, then you’ve come to the right place.  Powers Boothe is, as usual, a fantastic black hat, and any time I get to hear this music is just totally gravy.

I also have to give a lot of credit to the production team for really embracing the city of Pittsburgh as a location.  I’m not from there, or anything like that, but I have visited, and it’s a unique city with a unique look that really adds a lot of character to the movie.

Other than that, I really don’t know what else to say that’s meaningful.

Game 7.  The Vice President.  And it’s up to Van Damme to save the day.

What more could you want?

Rating: ★★★★½

 

Movie #2: Lionheart (1990)
Lionheart

Directed by Sheldon Lettich
Written by S.N. Warren (Earlier Screenplay), Jean-Claude Van Damme (Story and Screenplay), and Sheldon Lettich (Screenplay)
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Harrison Page, Deborah Rennard, Lisa Pelikan, Ashley Johnson, Brian Thompson, Voyo Goric, Michel Qissi, Eric Karson, Billy Blanks, Lawrence Bender, Scott Spiegel, Abdel Qissi
Soundtrack: John Scott

So, this one was Greg’s must-see pick, because it’s his favorite JCVD movie.  I don’t necessarily see what he sees in it, but I’m not going to judge in this case.  It’s a sold-enough fighting movie, and the really interesting story is that the print of it we watched was apparently loaned out by the Academy Film Archive, so kudos to them, though I struggle to understand why they have it.

Lionheart is the directorial debut of long-time Van Damme collaborator Sheldon Lettich, and is the story of a French Legionnaire (who we don’t get a whole lot of English-language films about, other than Beau Geste) who goes A.W.O.L. in order to return to his badly burned brother in Los Angeles, and along the way gets involved in the world of underground fighting for the entertainment of rich people in order to make enough cash to get where he needs to go and also take care of his brother’s family.

In short, Van Damme fights his way out of Africa, goes to New York and fights some guys, then goes to LA and fights some guys, and then goes to some ridiculous mansion to fight a huge guy.

All of the fight scenes in Lionheart are shot competently enough, and the New York footage is a nice time capsule, but on the whole I just felt like it was missing something.  I can’t really put my finger on it, but there was just something lacking in it, like it’s not as fun to watch as you’d think; although a slow clap did break out in the theater during the final fight, which is always fun.

I was genuinely disappointed that Van Damme never fought Brian Thompson’s character (aka “The Night Slasher” from Cobra), but maybe that’s just me.

Rating: ★★★½

 

Movie #3: Knock Off (1998)
Knock Off

Directed by Hark Tsui
Written by Steven E. de Souza
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Rob Schneider, Lela Rochon, Paul Sorvino, Glen Chin, Peter Nelson
Soundtrack: Ron and Russell Mael
(aka Sparks)

Every Alamo Drafthouse actor marathon has at least one really obscure selection that causes the audience to say, “What’s this movie?”  Sometimes it’s great; sometimes it’s good.

In the case of Van Dammage, it was Knock Off (personally selected by Cristina).

This movie occasionally veers into the so-bad-it’s-good territory, and when it does, it’s glorious, but for the most part it falls into the frustratingly bad category.

Directed by Hark Tsui (who also directed Double Team), Knock Off feels akin to Russian Terminator, an attempt to make an English-language action film by people who don’t really have a grasp of what they’re attempting, which is shocking given that writer Steven E. de Souza also wrote such amazing action films as Die Hard and Die Hard 2.

The plot is incoherent, the filmmakers clearly have no grasp of what the CIA is or does, and some of the editing is so uncomfortably fast and furious that I actually had to look away because my head hurt (fortunately, I had my chicken and waffles special to dig into when times got rough).

There are some nice Van Damme moments in here, but not enough to watch the entire movie.  Find a highlight reel on YouTube or something and you’ll be good to go.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

 

Movie #4: Hard Target (1993)
Hard Target

Directed by John Woo
Written by Chuck Pfarrer
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lance Henriksen, Yancy Butler, Arnold Vosloo, Wilford Brimley, Kasi Lemmons, Ted Raimi, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Chuck Pfarrer
(Cameo)
Soundtrack: Graeme Revell and Tim Simonec

It’s a John Woo film (his Hollywood debut, in fact).  It’s got guns, motorcycles, slow motion, and doves.

And Jean-Claude Van Damme.  And the City of New Orleans. (Which got me thinking: what if Van Damme played Gambit in an X-Men movie?  Hmmm…)

Anyway, Hard Target is essentially John Woo’s version of The Most Dangerous Game.  Once again, like in Lionheart, rich people are doing crazy illegal things because they can afford it; this time, hunting people for sport!  Also, Van Damme plays a merchant seaman who has to take whatever work he can get because he can’t afford his union dues (just like Inside Llewyn Davis).

Van Damme helps a girl to find her father, they cross paths with the wrong people, and much action ensues.  So. Much. Action.

This was a great film to end the day with.  The crowd was definitely into it and everyone was having a wonderful time.  Plus, this movie inspired a fantastic drink special complete with custom mason jar.  Thanks, Wilford Brimley!

I give it a half star less than Sudden Death because I think Van Damme’s performance is more magnetic in that one (plus, you know, hockey), but Hard Target is still a must-see for action fans.

Rating: ★★★★☆

 

In conclusion, although not every movie was a winner, Van Dammage was a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon, and I’m grateful for the experience, as are my friends, I’m sure.

Group Shot

Now who wants to go home, and who wants to go WITH ME!?