Rob Schneider – People Talking

Classic Four-Play: ‘Van Dammage’ – There Is No Substitute

As a lover of movies in the Greater New York Metro Area, the only thing I love more than actually going to the Alamo Drafthouse [Yonkers] is going to movie marathons at the Alamo Drafthouse; and why shouldn’t I? I’ve tasted three flavours of blood and ice cream. I’ve seen a man Caged. I’ve been to the Stallone Zone and lived to tell about it.

So, when they announced that the next such action-packed marathon was going to feature the incomparable JCVD, I naturally bought ten tickets and invited nine other friends to attend. I mean, how else are you supposed to heat up January? It’s not like there’s anything good playing.

Now, I have to admit, before attending the marathon last Saturday (once again curated by Alamo’s Cristina Cacioppo and Greg MacLennan, whose love of Van Damme is so real I could actually feel it), I’d never actually seen a Jean-Claude Van Damme film, at least not in its entirety. I’m sure I’ve caught bits and pieces of things on cable over the years, but I’d never actually sat down and watched one from beginning to end, and I’d definitely never seen one in a theater before, so I was very excited; and, for the most part, my excitement was justified.

Let’s talk about these movies!

Movie #1: Sudden Death (1995)

Directed by Peter Hyams
Written by Karen Elise Baldwin (Story) and Gene Quintano (Screenplay)
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Powers Boothe, Raymond J. Barry, Whittni Wright, Ross Malinger, Dorian Harewood, Kate McNeil, Michael Gaston, Audra Lindley, Brian Delate, Brian Hutchison, Diane Robin, Rohn Thomas
Soundtrack: John Debney

Look, there’s no question Peter Hyams has directed some bad movies in his career, but on the whole I think he’s criminally underrated. Capricorn One is a pretty good late-70s conspiracy thriller; Outland is a totally bad-@$$ space western; 2010 is a more-than-worthy (and Kubrick-approved) sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey; and maybe The Presidio isn’t a great film, but boy does it have its moments. But, we’re not really here to wax poetic on Peter Hyams; we’re here to talk about his amazing action film, Sudden Death.

This movie is awesome. It’s completely over-the-top and, at times, a little cornball, but if you’re looking for well-directed and exciting action set pieces, then you’ve come to the right place. Powers Boothe is, as usual, a fantastic black hat, and any time I get to hear this music is just totally gravy.

I also have to give a lot of credit to the production team for really embracing the city of Pittsburgh as a location. I’m not from there, or anything like that, but I have visited, and it’s a unique city with a unique look that really adds a lot of character to the movie.

Other than that, I really don’t know what else to say that’s meaningful.

Game 7. The Vice President. And it’s up to Van Damme to save the day.

What more could you want?

Rating: ★★★★½

Movie #2: Lionheart (1990)

Directed by Sheldon Lettich
Written by S.N. Warren (Earlier Screenplay), Jean-Claude Van Damme (Story and Screenplay), and Sheldon Lettich (Screenplay)
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Harrison Page, Deborah Rennard, Lisa Pelikan, Ashley Johnson, Brian Thompson, Voyo Goric, Michel Qissi, Eric Karson, Billy Blanks, Lawrence Bender, Scott Spiegel, Abdel Qissi
Soundtrack: John Scott

So, this one was Greg’s must-see pick, because it’s his favorite JCVD movie. I don’t necessarily see what he sees in it, but I’m not going to judge in this case. It’s a sold-enough fighting movie, and the really interesting story is that the print of it we watched was apparently loaned out by the Academy Film Archive, so kudos to them, though I struggle to understand why they have it.

Lionheart is the directorial debut of long-time Van Damme collaborator Sheldon Lettich, and is the story of a French Legionnaire (who we don’t get a whole lot of English-language films about, other than Beau Geste) who goes A.W.O.L. in order to return to his badly burned brother in Los Angeles, and along the way gets involved in the world of underground fighting for the entertainment of rich people in order to make enough cash to get where he needs to go and also take care of his brother’s family.

In short, Van Damme fights his way out of Africa, goes to New York and fights some guys, then goes to LA and fights some guys, and then goes to some ridiculous mansion to fight a huge guy.

All of the fight scenes in Lionheart are shot competently enough, and the New York footage is a nice time capsule, but on the whole I just felt like it was missing something. I can’t really put my finger on it, but there was just something lacking in it, like it’s not as fun to watch as you’d think; although a slow clap did break out in the theater during the final fight, which is always fun.

I was genuinely disappointed that Van Damme never fought Brian Thompson’s character (aka “The Night Slasher” from Cobra), but maybe that’s just me.

Rating: ★★★½

Movie #3: Knock Off (1998)

Directed by Hark Tsui
Written by Steven E. de Souza
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Rob Schneider, Lela Rochon, Paul Sorvino, Glen Chin, Peter Nelson
Soundtrack: Ron and Russell Mael (aka Sparks)

Every Alamo Drafthouse actor marathon has at least one really obscure selection that causes the audience to say, “What’s this movie?” Sometimes it’s great; sometimes it’s good.

In the case of Van Dammage, it was Knock Off (personally selected by Cristina).

This movie occasionally veers into the so-bad-it’s-good territory, and when it does, it’s glorious, but for the most part it falls into the frustratingly bad category.

Directed by Hark Tsui (who also directed Double Team), Knock Off feels akin to Russian Terminator, an attempt to make an English-language action film by people who don’t really have a grasp of what they’re attempting, which is shocking given that writer Steven E. de Souza also wrote such amazing action films as Die Hard and Die Hard 2.

The plot is incoherent, the filmmakers clearly have no grasp of what the CIA is or does, and some of the editing is so uncomfortably fast and furious that I actually had to look away because my head hurt (fortunately, I had my chicken and waffles special to dig into when times got rough).

There are some nice Van Damme moments in here, but not enough to watch the entire movie. Find a highlight reel on YouTube or something and you’ll be good to go.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Movie #4: Hard Target (1993)

Directed by John Woo
Written by Chuck Pfarrer
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lance Henriksen, Yancy Butler, Arnold Vosloo, Wilford Brimley, Kasi Lemmons, Ted Raimi, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Chuck Pfarrer (Cameo)
Soundtrack: Graeme Revell and Tim Simonec

It’s a John Woo film (his Hollywood debut, in fact). It’s got guns, motorcycles, slow motion, and doves.

And Jean-Claude Van Damme. And the City of New Orleans. (Which got me thinking: what if Van Damme played Gambit in an X-Men movie? Hmmm…)

Anyway, Hard Target is essentially John Woo’s version of The Most Dangerous Game. Once again, like in Lionheart, rich people are doing crazy illegal things because they can afford it; this time, hunting people for sport! Also, Van Damme plays a merchant seaman who has to take whatever work he can get because he can’t afford his union dues (just like Inside Llewyn Davis).

Van Damme helps a girl to find her father, they cross paths with the wrong people, and much action ensues. So. Much. Action.

This was a great film to end the day with. The crowd was definitely into it and everyone was having a wonderful time. Plus, this movie inspired a fantastic drink special complete with custom mason jar. Thanks, Wilford Brimley!

I give it a half star less than Sudden Death because I think Van Damme’s performance is more magnetic in that one (plus, you know, hockey), but Hard Target is still a must-see for action fans.

Rating: ★★★★☆

In conclusion, although not every movie was a winner, Van Dammage was a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon, and I’m grateful for the experience, as are my friends, I’m sure.

Now who wants to go home, and who wants to go WITH ME!?

Classic Four-Play: ‘Stallone Zone’ – Good Old American Action

I’ve made no secret of my love for Alamo Drafthouse [Yonkers]. In the past year it has become one of my favorite places to trek to (I do have to cross a big important river to get there), especially for classic films and classic film marathons (except for that time I totally bombed trying to underplay a Nic Cage impression, but c’est la vie), not to mention great food and drink.

Again I say, if you have one near you and you’ve not been there. you’re doing yourself a disservice. Go check it out at your earliest convenience.

Anyway, if you haven’t realized it by now, my latest excursion there (now more than two weeks ago; hurray for expediency) was for Stallone Zone, a marathon of four surprise movies starring (if not also written and directed by) Sylvester Stallone (all on glorious 35mm prints), curated by Drafthousers Cristina Cacioppo (who chose the films) and Austin hipster-type Greg MacLennan (who brought the prints, and many other wonderful visual goodies).

Now, let’s be real, you have to be in a certain mindset to truly enjoy a typical Stallone movie, and I’m perfectly fine going there, because I like having a good time. Stallone represents escapist entertainment at its adrenaline-fueled peak. Quite frankly, Stallone Zone was probably the most fun I’ve had in one day so far this year, and that’s the honest truth; and myself and all the friends I brought can’t wait to see what’s on tap for the next Drafthouse marathon.

But, I digress. On to the movies. These’ll be a bit shorter than my typical reviews since I have almost a handful to get through, not to mention there’s probably not much meaningful prose I can add after 20+ years.

Movie #1: Tango & Cash (1989)

Directed by Andrei Konchalovsky [and Albert Magnoli (Uncredited)]
Written by Randy Feldman
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell, Teri Hatcher, Jack Palance, Brion James, James Hong, Marc Alaimo, Philip Tan, Michael J. Pollard, Robert Z’Dar, Lewis Arquette, Edward Bunker, Michael Jeter, Clint Howard, Adolfo ‘Shabba-Doo’ Quinones, Glenn Morshower, Billy Blanks, Geoffrey Lewis
Soundtrack: Harold Faltermeyer

How serious Russian filmmaker Andrei Konchalovsky ever got involved with this project (more on Russian cinema later), the world may never know, because this is action-comedy at it’s finest. I dare say this movie is proto-Hot Fuzz, because it’s definitely not a parody, but it knows what it is and makes no apologies for never getting too, too serious.

Stallone wonderfully plays against type as the uptight and slightly foppish Ray Tango while Kurt Russell does his usual thing with a little more lightheartedness as the fast and loose (if not downright slovenly) Gabriel Cash. Throw in Jack Palance (and his lovely mice…over and over so you don’t forget) as your main villain and a whole tanker-truckload of snappy one-liners, and you’ve got a recipe for some big, burly laughs and a lot of [occasionally over-the-top and] enjoyable action.

I had watched this movie only once before, and I was surprised at how much I had forgotten about, but was delighted to see again. I don’t know if ~~John J.B. Wilson~~ people had less of a sense of humor about themselves in 1989-90, because this movie was panned enough at the time to earn three Razzie nominations, but who cares about that now? I certainly don’t.

★★★★☆ (Remember, this is an action-comedy.)

Movie #2: Paradise Alley (1978)

Written and Directed by Sylvester Stallone
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Lee Canalito, Armand Assante, Frank McRae, Anne Archer, Kevin Conway, Terry Funk (yes, THAT one), Tom Waits (yes, THAT one), Joe Spinell, Frank Pesce, Frank Stallone
Soundtrack: Bill Conti

If you go to a Drafthouse marathon like Caged or Stallone Zone, you can always count on at least one really obscure pick, and this time it was Paradise Alley. I don’t want to say too much about this film in terms of the plot, as I’d suggest you just watch it to check it out, but this movie is so Stallone that he even sings the theme song. Apparently this was actually the first movie he wanted to make, but it wasn’t something he could get financing for until after Rocky was a raving success.

The basic premise is that three brothers in post-WWII Hell’s Kitchen are scraping their way through life (this is the first half of the film, and I won’t lie, it’s a little bit tedious at times, but it’s worth it and it does make sense from a dramatic and narrative perspective), until finally they get an opportunity to make some real money by working together.

This is another role where Stallone plays against his usual type in the sense that his character isn’t really likable, but don’t worry, there’s a bit of an arc. Honestly though, as Stallone-centric as this movie is, it’s the supporting cast that really makes it, particularly Armand Assante in his first major film role. The dynamic dynamic of the three brothers is crucial, but the menagerie of other characters is also a big help to making the story and the compact world it’s set in come alive.

It’s not a perfect film by any stretch, but I do recommend Paradise Alley, if only based on the strength of its second half (which is much more action-packed).

★★★½

Movie #3: Demolition Man (1993)

Directed by Marco Brambilla
Written by Peter M. Lenkov and Robert Reneau (Screenplay and Story), and Daniel Waters (Screenplay)
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Sandra Bullock, Nigel Hawthorne, Benjamin Bratt, Bob Gunton, Rob Schneider (Uncredited), Denis Leary, Jesse Ventura (Bit Part), Jack Black (Bit Part), Glenn Shadix, Grand L. Bush, Steve Kahan, Troy Evans, Don Charles McGovern, Bill Cobbs
Soundtrack: Elliot Goldenthal

So, this is a very interesting movie, because it’s a popcorn action flick built upon the framework of a really solid science fiction premise (I suppose Robocop would be another good example, though Paul Verhoeven’s satire is much more biting). Some people might say the future is played too cheesy here, and, yeah, it goes a little too far with that at times, but on the whole the fact that it seems off-putting actually works in the movie’s favor, because you’re seeing things through the eyes of our primary characters; and let’s face it, if you suddenly woke up 36 years into the future, you’d probably think everything and everybody was pretty weird.

From a visual perspective, obviously the action scenes are great (the opening sequence leaves quite an impression), but the overall look and feel of the future is very well done, and still holds up pretty well 20+ years later (except for all the Oldsmobile references, but, you know that? Go watch 2001 or 2010 again and try to hate on them in the same way; yes, I just compared those to Demolition Man).

This movie has another great pairing of stars as well, except unlike Tango & Cash, Stallone is up against Snipes in this one, and there’s pretty strong action hero/villain chemistry between them, not to mention some good old-fashioned fish-out-of-water comedy.

Not much else to say about this one; just classic 90s action.

★★★½ Stars
(★★★★★ for the sweet S.A.P.D. hats we all got as part of the package)

This picture is what you call a “segue”.

Movie #4: Rocky IV (1985)

Written and Directed by Sylvester Stallone
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Carl Weathers, Brigitte Nielsen, Tony Burton, Dolph Lundgren, James Brown (yes, THAT one), Michael Pataki
Soundtrack: Vince DiCola

Forget Ronald Reagan. Rocky Balboa was the man who single-handedly defeated Communism.

Whatever you think you know about this film, you really haven’t seen it unless you’ve watched it on the big screen with a pumped-up group of fans. By this point in the day (it was well into the night actually), the Stallone Zone audience was so into everything that the festivities were less like a film screening, and more like a live concert, with the crowd cheering for every fan favorite and greatest hit. A couple of my friends and I were even doing air toms during one of the famous training montages.

Speaking of montage, there are no less than five montages in this film (you easily lose count after a while). Maybe it’s as simple as Stallone wanting to play tastemaker because he really liked the bands on the soundtrack, but in the absence of a thorough explanation, I offer a radical hypothesis:

Perhaps Stallone is such a proficient student of film that he used the opportunity of a movie where his character fights a big Russian in “the heart of the Soviet Union” to pay tribute to early Russian cinema, as montage editing was pioneered in the late 1910s and 1920s by Soviet filmmakers Lev Kuleshov and Sergei Eisenstein.

Or maybe that’s all wrong. It doesn’t matter.

Rocky IV is great because it makes you feel great, and if you don’t like it, you hate America. End of story.

Ⅳ out of Ⅴ Stars.

Hearts on Fire, baby.